


I Go Alone

by TheFeistyRogue



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/M, Friendship, Heartbreak, Love, Marauders' Era, Minor James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Romance, Sad Sirius Black, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, Sirius Black & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Tragedy, Unrequited Love, Young Sirius Black
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-22
Updated: 2019-01-22
Packaged: 2019-10-14 15:48:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17511443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheFeistyRogue/pseuds/TheFeistyRogue
Summary: Sirius is going to help James marry Lily, no matter how he may feel about it.





	I Go Alone

_1st September 1971_

"That's the girl."

Sirius looks up just in time to see a flash of red hair as a girl rushes past their carriage, her face full of delight, wand clutched in one hand. He's never seen her before, so she's a halfblood, at most.

"Huh?"

James is staring down the corridor of the train. The chocolate frog in his hand has been forgotten. Sirius eyes it, prepared to catch it when it leaps.

"That girl. I saw her on the platform. She has the prettiest eyes. I'm going to marry her one day."

"Ew," Sirius mutters.

The frog jump. Sirius grins, leaning forward to grab it, when James's hand snatches it out of the air. He's not even looking, still staring into the distance like an idiot.

"Jamie," Sirius whines. "Girls are gross. Why her?"

"I told you! Her eyes are really pretty and she's got a wicked smile. And, she hexed Malfoy when he called her a Mudblood."

Sirius admits that being able to hex someone is pretty good for a first year, especially if she really is a Mudblood.

"So what?"

"So, I'm going to marry her." James turns back to him, hazel eyes sparkling with glee and mischief. This is why Sirius is friends with James, even if Mother doesn't approve; James is always ready to pull a prank or cause trouble. He doesn't care if James's parents are too close to Dumbledore and his gang of filthy blood traitors, no matter what Mother says.

"Even better," James continues. "You're going to help me." He grins, wiggling his brows. "What do you say, Siri?"

Sirius hesitates, because he knows that James probably shouldn't be marrying a Mudblood. Sirius's parents would be outraged and James's parents probably wouldn't be too happy about it either. He doesn't really understand why; whenever he asks, Dad mutters something about dirty blood, but Sirius has seen Muggles bleed before, and they bleed the same way that Sirius does—there's no dirt in their veins.

James shuffles forward, pouting and pleading.

"Oh, please, please! You're my best friend, Siri, my co-conspirator. Promise you'll help me marry her."

On reflection, it sounds like a great idea. The more trouble it causes, the better.

"I promise." Sirius spits on his palm and James does the same. They shake, exchanging grins. "First order of business: let's make sure we all get sorted into the same house."

James woops.

"Plan!" He scrambles for a piece of parchment and waves his quill in the air.

"Let's jot down some ideas."

Sirius helps James to think up loads of ways to woo the mysterious girl. She's a red-head, so she'll be fiery and strong. The sort of girl that Sirius wouldn't mind marrying, if he's forced into it one day. He knows they'll win her over for James, anyway.

* * *

_12th November 1973_

Lily is sitting in the library, two tables down from Sirius. She's glaring at her parchment, as if she can set it on fire with her gaze. If anyone can, it's Lily, but Sirius reckons that not even Dumbledore is that powerful, so probably not.

He looks down at his own work, an essay on the properties of aconite. It's boring. He hates Potions. He hates school. He hates it all. The book next to him tells him that aconite is synonymous with monkshood and wolfsbane. Sirius had no idea what 'synonymous' means.

A cough interrupts his thoughts. He glances up. Lily has seen him and is now glaring daggers at him. Sirius doesn't know why, but he blushes. He looks back down at his own work and resolves not to look up again.

She's very pretty, even when she's angry. She's easily the prettiest girl in their year and he doesn't give a damn if she's got pure or dirty blood. She always smells like jasmine and when her hair flashes in the sunlight, it's like it's a living flame. Sirius feels himself flush even redder. She may be pretty, but she's also for James. He made that promise and he's keeping it. James is in love with her, has been since he first saw her.

Despite himself, he glances over at Lily once more. She's back to staring at the parchment, an Astrology textbook at her elbow. Before he can doubt himself, he stands and wanders over.

"Hey," he says.

"What?" Lily snaps.

Sirius grins, nodding at the parchment.

"Want some help? I am a Black, unfortunately. I know a thing or two about the stars."

Lily huffs. "Are you serious?"

Their gazes meet. Sirius stares at her, his lips twitching, trying to resist bursting into laughter, or answering the question in his usual manner. Lily stares back blankly until realisation dawns. Just as Sirius opens his mouth to reply, she holds up her hand.

"Don't!" Lily snaps. Sirius's mouth snaps shut with a click. She turns to look down at her parchment, a cascade of hair falling over her shoulder to hide her face. It doesn't stop Sirius from seeing the flicker of a smile upon her face.

Score.

"I suppose, if you behave, you might be able to help me with my work," Lily allows. Sirius slides into the seat next to her.

"Will you help me with my Potions in return?"

"Ha! I knew you wanted something."

Sirius holds up his empty hands in surrender.

"Guilty," he confesses. "Now come on, where are you stuck?"

They never do get around to working on his essay. That's okay, though. Sirius can copy Moony's.

* * *

_17th October 1975_

Sirius flops onto his bed. He's sweaty from Quidditch and exhausted from listening to James drone on and on about Lily. Even Peter's fed-up with listening to James prattle, and that's saying something.

"Padfoot!"

Sirius bites back a groan, closes his eyes, and rolls over, pretending to be asleep. Someone draws back the drapes around his bed and he thinks for a moment that James is going to shake him awake.

"Damn, out like a light," James mutters. "Night, Pads."

The drapes are drawn shut once more. Sirius feels a niggle of guilt, but he's too weary to really care.

Lily refused to go to Hogsmeade with James today. It's not the first time she's refused and he suspects it won't be the last. Since the start of third year, every Hogsmeade weekend, James has asked her out. Without fail, Lily says no.

Sometimes, Sirius dares to wonder what Lily would say if he were the one that was asking.

In his mind, Lily laughs. She presses a kiss to his cheek and whispers in his ear, "I'd love to." James will smile, cheering them on the way that Sirius cheers him on.

It's just a dream, a stupid fantasy. Perhaps if Sirius hadn't promised James that he'd help him woo Lily over, he'd do something about it. Chances are, Lily wouldn't be interested anyway. He'd only be setting himself up to lose his best friend. He doesn't think that James would understand.

They'd fight, maybe split up the Marauders. Peter would take James's side because James is the most popular boy in their year, and he's a kiss-arse. Remus would take Sirius's side, maybe. Or Sirius would be all alone, friendless. He can't imagine anything worse.

He buries his face in his pillow and pretends that the salt he can taste is sweat, not tears. He's got it pretty good, all things considered. It's just days like this, when James won't shut up and Lily smiles at him when they pass in the corridor, that hurt the most.

* * *

_20th December 1977_

It's the first weekend in the Christmas hols and the lot of them have escaped the castle for Hogsmeade. It's bloody freezing outside, but the Three Broomsticks will always have a roaring fire. Sirius saunters over to the bar.

"Five butterbeers, please, from the most beautiful bartender in Scotland."

"The only one you've ever seen, more like." Rosmerta scoffs, her eyes twinkling. "Five, you say?"

Sirius grins, gesturing behind him.

"Oh, yes, haven't you heard? It's all anyone can talk about at Hogwarts." He leans forward, giving Rosmerta a conspiratorial grin. "Lily Evans finally decided to go on a date with James Potter."

"At last!" Rosmerta exclaims. She pours out five tankards and waves away his money. "This one's on the house, my dear. About time, I dare say."

Sirius, of age and insufferably smug about it, levitates the drinks back to their booth. He grins when he sees Lily and James snuggled together. He's happy for them; he is. Perhaps if he tells himself that enough times, it'll be true.

He's happy that they're happy. That's true, at least.

"Hey, big spender!" Remus teases.

Sirius shakes his head. "On the house." He winks at Lily. "Madam Rosmerta wishes you her congratulations."

Lily blushes bright red. It's cute. Sirius pretends not to notice, instead turning to ogle one of the sixth year Hufflepuffs.

"Isn't that Alice Fawley?" he says. "She's looking mighty fine."

"You dog!" Lily exclaims. "She's got a boyfriend."

"So?"

Both Remus and Lily reach over to punch his arm. Sirius expected nothing less.

"Woof woof!" he jokes, smirking at his fellow conspirators. James shakes his head, but he's grinning, and of course Pete is chortling to himself.

It's nice to have all of them together. It's their final year of schooling; they're allowed to have fun. Who knows what the future holds?

* * *

_5th June 1979_

Sirius isn't usually one for drowning his emotions in booze, but he's given it a good go tonight. Now, he's sobbing into a toilet as he vomits back up everything he's consumed in the last twenty-four hours.

Remus is patting his back.

"There, there," he says. He sounds bewildered. That's fair enough. "What's brought this on? Did you see Regulus?"

Sirius hiccups and closes his eyes. What a fucking mess.

"Have you got anything to sort me out in time for tomorrow?" he rasps. His hands are shaking, but he's no longer so drunk he can't stand straight.

"Yeah, something," Remus mutters. "What the hell, Padfoot?"

There's a shuffling sound as Remus rummages through his medicine cabinet. A potion is shoved into Sirius's face. It's a dark, murky green, several shades darker than Lily's eyes, but when it catches the light…

Sirius wrenches the stopper out of the vial and downs the potion in one. His stomach turns, his whole body aching from his teeth to his toes, then he suddenly feels much better, the hangover dealt with.

"Thanks."

"No problem." There's a beat of silence, then, " _Scourgify_."

Despite the wash of magic, Sirius feels dirty. He can't believe he's thinking about his best mate's girl like this, still. It's been years, just some dumb crush, but nothing he does lets him get over it.

Nothing. Not listing her flaws. Not ignoring her. Not even screwing anything and everything with a pulse that looks his way.

He stares dully at the floor, realising that he's in Remus's flat. He vaguely remembers Flooing over, drunk and in an awful state. He's a crappy friend.

"Sorry," Sirius says.

There's a long pause. All he can hear is the sound of Remus breathing until he sighs.

"It's okay. Want to talk about it?"

Sirius scoffs. As if that would be any use.

"Only trying to help," Remus says, sounding weary.

"Ah fuck," Sirius says. He doesn't deserve a friend like Remus. "I'm such a wanker."

He turns, getting to his feet. Remus is standing in the doorway, arms folded. Sirius feels for his wand, which is strapped to his arm. With a flick, the toilet is clean and shiny once more. There's no evidence that Sirius has been violently ill, nor bawling his eyes out.

"Is this… to do with James?" Remus asks, staring at the floor.

"What? No!"

Remus looks up, raising his brows.

"I'm only asking because it's their wedding tomorrow, and you just turned up at my house, completely wasted, sobbing about love."

Sirius winces. Remus, who's no idiot, catches it and tilts his head.

It has everything to do with James, and yet nothing to do with him. Sirius wants to open up. He's so tempted. Remus's soulful amber eyes are inviting, friendly. He's always been there, no matter what.

"It's not to do with James," he eventually says.

"So it's Lily?"

Sirius tenses. He feels like he's been frozen by a spell. He raises his head to meet Remus's gaze.

"Fuck," Remus says, staring at him with wide, unbelieving eyes. "Fuck."

For some reason, Sirius laughs, bitter and twisted though it may sound.

"Yeah," he says. "Fuck."

* * *

_31st October 1981_

James is dead. Lily is dead. Harry is gone, bawling, into the night.

Sirius kneels in the wreckage of Godric's Hollow and screams until he can't breath. Flames lick at the edges of the building. His robe is dirty with ash and dust. His hands are stained black, black like his name, like his soul.

Everything he loves has been taken from him. His best friend, the love of his life, even their child has been whisked away. He's distantly aware that he's crying as he tears at his hair. He can't feel the pain, only the gaping hole in his chest where James and Lily should be.

With a final shuddering sob, Sirius forces himself to his feet. He stares up at the sky, but it's dark, no stars in sight, the sliver of new moon smothered by a cloud. There's no hope left in his heart.

Only one thing remains.

Revenge.

He goes after Wormtail alone.

**Author's Note:**

> I BROKE MYSELF WRITING THIS.


End file.
